Ever get that nervous feeling when a conversation starts to get heated? Yeah, most of us do.
We either avoid the tough topics, hold back what we really want to say, or dive in and end up in a shouting match that goes nowhere. It feels like our conversations, whether online or face-to-face, are stuck in this cycle of “I’m right, you’re wrong.”
But what if arguments didn’t have to be so stressful? Could they actually be helpful, insightful, and maybe even bring us closer together?
Two of the world’s top experts think it’s possible. Dan Shapiro, a Harvard negotiator, shows us how to approach arguments not with conflict, but with understanding. And Bo Seo, a two-time world debate champion, explains how to structure our disagreements so they actually work.
I’ll break down their simple, powerful frameworks for arguing better. By combining their tips, you’ll be able to turn even your toughest conversations into productive discussions.
Contents
Meet the Experts
Daniel L. Shapiro, Ph.D., is a top expert in negotiation and conflict resolution. He founded the Harvard International Negotiation Program and teaches at both Harvard Medical School and Harvard Law School’s Program on Negotiation. He’s worked with everyone from world leaders in conflict zones to executives at major companies, and he’s the author of Negotiating the Nonnegotiable.
Bo Seo is a two-time world champion debater and a former coach for both the Australian national debating team and the Harvard College Debating Union. Originally from South Korea, he moved to Australia at the age of eight and quickly learned how to handle disagreements across cultural and language gaps. He shares these insights in his book, Good Arguments.
Dan Shapiro: How to Argue by Overcoming Emotional Barriers
Dr. Dan Shapiro believes the real issue in arguments isn’t what we’re fighting about. It’s how we’re fighting. Over his career, he’s studied everything from high-stakes international peace talks to family arguments. He’s found that the most heated conflicts are driven by deep, hidden emotions.
Shapiro says we’ve fallen into what he calls the “tribal trap.” When our beliefs feel attacked, we shift into an “us vs. them” mindset. This makes us defend our side aggressively and attack the other, creating a cycle of negativity. But there’s a way out. Shapiro teaches us how to argue by overcoming three key emotional barriers: Identity, Appreciation, and Affiliation.
1. Identity: Why Arguments Get So Personal
Have you been in a simple disagreement that suddenly felt way more intense? That’s your identity kicking in. When an argument touches on our core values or sense of self, it stops being about the issue and becomes a battle for our pride.
This is what Shapiro calls the “tribes effect.” We feel like our group is being attacked, so we fiercely defend it. To argue more effectively, the first thing you need to do is understand yourself.
The Problem: When our identity feels threatened, we get defensive, stop listening, and focus only on winning.
Shapiro’s Solution: Take a moment to look inward. Ask yourself: “What values are driving me to take this stance?” The more you understand your own identity, the easier it will be to stay calm and balanced, even when someone challenges you.
Self-awareness is what you need to stay grounded in tough conversations.
2. Appreciation: The Power of Listening
Everyone wants to feel heard and understood, yet in a conflict, the last thing we want to do is show appreciation for the other side. But that’s a huge mistake.
Showing appreciation isn’t about agreeing. It’s about recognizing the merit in what the other person is saying. Shapiro offers a simple but potent technique to shift the dynamic of an argument.
The Problem: We’re so focused on preparing our rebuttal that we don’t really listen. This makes the other person feel dismissed, and the argument escalates.
Shapiro’s Solution: For the first 10 minutes, just listen. Try to understand what’s behind their perspective—why they hold their view, what experiences shaped it. Then, let them know you’ve heard them. A simple, “I hear where you’re coming from, and that makes sense,” can make a huge difference. People want to feel appreciated, and doing this can transform the conversation.
3. Affiliation: Turning Adversaries into Partners
Most arguments become a “me versus you” standoff. My opinion against yours. My team against yours. This framing creates a deadlock where no one wins. The trick is to change the dynamic and find a sense of connection or affiliation.
Even a small shared connection can reduce defensiveness and open the door to collaboration.
The Problem: We often see the other person as someone we need to defeat.
Shapiro’s Solution: Shift the perspective. Instead of “me versus you,” think of it as “the two of us facing the same problem.” Ask them, “What’s your advice on how we can meet both of our needs?”
This simple shift turns an opponent into a potential partner.
Also Read: These 13 Books So Eye-Opening You’ll Ask, ‘Why Isn’t This Taught in School?
Bo Seo: How to Argue with Structure and Wisdom
While Dan Shapiro focuses on the emotions behind arguments, Bo Seo brings structure and strategy to the table. As a two-time world debating champion, Seo knows how to craft a solid, persuasive argument. But his journey started in silence.
When Seo moved from South Korea to Australia as a child, he struggled with English and often found himself unable to speak up. He joined his school’s debate team with a simple promise: in debate, when one person speaks, no one else does.
This taught him that good arguments are a skill that can be learned, and he believes that, as a society, we’ve lost that skill and need to relearn it.
1. Choosing Your Battles: The RISA Framework
In debate, Seo learned that “if intelligence is the ability to respond to any argument, wisdom lies in knowing which arguments to respond to”. Arguments are easy to start but hard to end. To avoid a sprawling, unwinnable fight, you must first decide if the argument is worth having.
Seo developed the RISA framework to help make this crucial decision. Before you engage, ask yourself four questions.
- R – Is the disagreement REAL? Are you actually disagreeing, or is this just a misunderstanding of terms or intentions? Clarify first.
- I – Is it IMPORTANT? Is this topic significant enough to justify the time and emotional energy of an argument? Not every battle needs to be fought.
- S – Is it SPECIFIC? Is the topic narrow enough to make progress? An argument about “the economy” is too broad. An argument about a specific local tax policy is manageable.
- A – Are your goals ALIGNED? Do both parties have a compatible objective? If you want to understand, but they just want to win, the conversation is unlikely to be productive.
By using the RISA framework, you ensure you’re putting your energy into the arguments that are worth having and have the potential to lead to a positive outcome.
Also See: Want to Be Smarter? Read These 13 Books That Reprogram Your Brain
2. The Debater’s Mindset: Active Listening and Side-Switching
One of the best lessons from debate is that to be heard, you first have to listen. But this isn’t just about sitting back and nodding along. It’s an active process. Debaters know they need to understand the other side’s argument fully, and in its strongest form, to effectively respond to it.
Seo teaches a technique called the “side-switch exercise.” It’s a mental exercise that helps you build empathy and humility.
The Problem: We caricature our opponent’s argument, making it weaker and easier to attack (a “straw man”). This is unpersuasive and disrespectful.
Seo’s Solution: Before you respond, take a moment to step into the other person’s shoes. Write down the four best arguments for their side. Imagine a world where you lost the debate—what would their strongest points be?
This exercise forces you to see the reasonableness in their perspective, challenges your own certainty, and prepares you to engage with their real argument, not a distorted version.
Read: Becoming Smart Is Easy, Actually: The Brain’s Shortcut to Insight That No One Taught You in School
How to Argue Effectively
The tips from Dan Shapiro and Bo Seo work hand in hand. Shapiro helps us understand the emotional side of arguments, while Seo gives us the structure we need to make a strong case. One teaches us how to argue with empathy, and the other with precision.
Here’s a step-by-step guide to handling your next tough conversation:
1. Decide if You Should Argue (Seo’s RISA Framework)
Before you dive in, ask yourself:
- Is the disagreement REAL? Are you actually disagreeing, or is it just a misunderstanding?
- Is it IMPORTANT? Is this issue worth the time and energy?
- Is it SPECIFIC? Is it narrow enough to make progress?
- Are your goals ALIGNED? Do both of you want the same outcome?
If the answer is no to any of these, it might be better to walk away.
2. Understand Your “Why” (Shapiro’s Identity)
Before you argue, take a moment to reflect on why you feel the way you do. What core values are at stake? Understanding what’s driving your position helps you stay calm and focused.
3. Listen First (Shapiro’s Appreciation)
Instead of jumping in with your own point, start by really listening. Seek to understand where the other person is coming from. Show that you’ve heard them by acknowledging their perspective. This can make a huge difference in how the conversation unfolds.
4. Engage with Their Best Argument (Seo’s Side-Switch)
When you respond, don’t argue against a distorted version of their point. Focus on the strongest version of their argument. This shows respect and makes your own position more credible.
5. Reframe the Problem (Shapiro’s Affiliation)
Instead of seeing the conversation as “me vs. you,” try to reframe it as “us vs. the problem.” Invite the other person to work together with you to find a solution that works for both sides.
At the end of the day, the goal of a good argument isn’t to “win.” It’s to make progress. As Bo Seo puts it, a good argument is one where both sides are willing to keep the conversation going.
By learning how to argue effectively, we can use disagreements as an opportunity for understanding, connection, and growth.